Funny Pages

Watch Out! Dumb Travelers Are At Large!

2010-02-02T21:58:00.000-07:00

An Australian newspaper reported on dumb tourist questions down under and abroad:

A swimmer asked call centre staff to predict how many people would be in their hotel pool on Good Friday.

"Can I catch a train from Fiji to New Zealand?" asked one visitor interested in booking a rail holiday.

"How long does it take from Tokyo to Korea ... by the famous bullet train?"

"Can you tell me which beach is closest to the ocean?"

"Why did they build so many ruined castles and abbeys in England?"

A visitor to Scotland wanted to know what time the Loch Ness monster was fed.

A Philadelphia visitor asked where in the city the Boston Tea Party took place.

Going to The Netherlands? Be sure to visit the tulip factory. At least that's what one visitor wanted to do.

Someone also wanted to know if they would end up in Holland if they drove through New York's Holland Tunnel.

Why do people wear their jeans so low? Finally an explanation!

2010-01-28T21:48:00.001-07:00

Watch out for this SCAM

2010-01-20T21:54:00.001-07:00

I Just got scammed out of $25!

Bought Tiger Woods' DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes".

Turns out it's about golf.

Damn waste of money.

Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

CATHOLIC COFFEE

2010-01-02T20:18:00.003-07:00

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,

Slim,

Tall,

38D breast,

24" waist and

34" hips.

When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

The perfect Christmas Gift for guys

2009-12-29T19:58:00.002-07:00

FW: The Greatest Christmas Decoration Ever!!!!

2009-12-18T07:32:00.003-07:00

Make sure to read story at bottom…

Fantastic. Greg sends along this DIY FYI:

"Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever.Great stories. But two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard."

Valuable Information for Men and Women!

2009-12-07T14:53:00.003-07:00

Funny, yet well put!!!

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?

Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'

Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

Nash

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years Then we met.

Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Anonymous

SEND THIS TO ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH......AND TO THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR WHO CAN HANDLE IT!!!!!!!

Merry Christmas from Mr. & Mrs. Woods

2009-12-02T21:11:00.004-07:00

The worst job in the whole world

2009-11-28T12:51:00.003-07:00

Flumor

2009-11-24T13:57:00.000-07:00

I'm not really concerned about swine flu. Here's my concern.

• 3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow . . . Mad Cow disease.

• 2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird . . . Avian flu.

• This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig . . . Swine flu.

Next year is the year of the cock . . . Anybody else worried?

Drinking gives you the same benefits at Yoga

2009-10-18T08:54:00.004-07:00

Research confirms that drinking gives you the same benefits yoga does!

Savasana
Position of total relaxation.

Balasana
Position that brings the sensation of peace and calm.

Setu Bandha Sarvangasana
This position calms the brain and heals tired legs.

Marjayasana
Position stimulates the midriff area and the spinal column.

Halasana
Excellent for back pain and insomnia.

Dolphin
Excellent for the shoulder area, thorax, legs, and arms.

Salambhasana
Great exercise to stimulate the lumbar area, legs, and arms.

Ananda Balasana
This position is great for massaging the hip area.

Malasana
This position, for ankles and back muscles.

Pigeon
Tones the body, and builds flexibility and helps get rid of 'stress'.

So, let's start drinking ............

Coming to a theater near you!

2009-07-21T19:56:00.000-07:00

Coming to a theater near you: Broke-Bank Mountain featuring Barack Obama and Joe Biden

The Billary Clinton Kitchen Tool Combo Set

2009-07-19T19:22:00.000-07:00

---Just when you thought they were history .. . .

The Billary Clinton Kitchen Tool Combo Set

Doctor's Advice - A Contrarian View

2009-07-15T19:03:00.000-07:00

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Michael Jackson jokes - y'all knew they were com'in

2009-07-12T21:45:00.000-07:00

-Michael Jackson hasn't been this stiff since Macaulay Culkin spent the night at Neverland Ranch.
-Reports that Michael Jackson has died of a heart attack in his home are untrue. He actually died having a stroke in the children's ward.

-In the spirit of recycling, Michael Jackson will be melted down into plastic party cups so kids can still get their lips around his rim.

-In accordance with Michael Jackson's will, little boys' pants shall be flown at half-mast today.

-Doctors are looking into claims that MJ's death could have been caused by an allergic reaction from eating 12-year-old nuts.

-I heard that Michael Jackson died of food poisoning from eating a 5-year old wiener.

-Michael Jackson will always be with us: he is not biodegradable.

-MJ's dying wish was to be melted down and turned into straws so he can still get sucked on by kids.

-It has been released that MJs last wish was that he wants to be melted down and made into a slide so kids can go down on him forever.

-Michael Jackson's ashes are going to be put in an Etch A Sketch so kids can still twiddle his knob.

-Michael Jackson's death has now been ruled a suicide. Apparently doctors told him that the only way he could get whiter is if he died.

-Only in America can someone be born a poor black kid, and die a rich white woman.

-Madonna sent her condolences to the Jackson family. Then asked how much they wanted for the kids.

-Breaking News: Casper the Friendly Ghost was molested in the early hours of this morning!

-Michael Jackson's last words: "Take me to the Children's Hospital!"

-What was Michael Jacksons last hit? The floor!

-Michael Jackson died of a heart attack. He really shouldn't have looked at the man in the mirror.

Camping in Africa

2009-07-10T21:36:00.000-07:00

THE HUMAN BODY

2009-06-14T05:18:00.000-07:00

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

Redneck Security

2009-06-07T05:14:00.000-07:00

If you want security in your back yard or shop. Groom your dog like this.

Insane Japanese Pranks

2009-05-30T05:12:00.000-07:00

抽烟的学生

2009-05-26T19:26:00.000-07:00

五个学生吸烟成瘾．一天他们在厕所吸烟，被教导主任看见，教导主任告诉其班主任，班主任次日找他们五个谈话。
老师："你吸烟吗？"
学生A："吸……"
老师："吸？你很光荣嘛！回家叫家长来！！"还被暴K一通并记过。
学生A回去后和另外四个说："老师问你们吸烟吗你们都别承认，都说不吸，这事我自己担了。
一会儿后。
老师："你吸烟吗？"
学生B："不吸。"
"那吃根薯条吧。"说着老师递过薯条。
学生B自然地伸出两个指头……
老师："不吸？回家把家长叫来！"

老师："吸烟吗？"
学生C："不吸。"
"那吃根薯条吧。"
学生C小心地接过薯条，心中暗暗感激学生乙（幸好早有预备）。
老师："不蘸点番茄酱吗？"
学生C一不留神将酱蘸多了，便开始往碗里弹……
老师："不吸？烟灰弹得很熟练嘛……把家长叫来！"

老师："吸烟吗？"
学生D："不……吸……"
（学生D吃完薯条已是汗流浃背，感觉如履薄冰）。
学生D："谢谢……老师……没事的话我先回去了。"
老师："你不给你同学带根吃吗？"
学生D："谢谢老师。"说着把薯条放在耳朵上……
老师："知道我该说什么了吧，还不去叫家长"

老师："吸烟吗？"
学生E："不吸"
（总算把薯条安心放在口袋里……）
学生E转身想走，老师突然喊到："校长来了！"
只见学生E慌忙把薯条从口袋里拿出来放到地上使劲地踩……

A sign the economy has gone to the dogs

2009-04-11T18:26:00.003-07:00

It is definitely getting very bad!

Cat's are so dramatic!!

Watch Jon Stewart destroy CNBC's Cramer - Awesome!

2009-03-12T20:39:00.005-07:00

Part 1 Jon Stewart's takedown of CNBC's Business Journalism on the Daily Show.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

CNBC Gives Financial Advice

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Economic Crisis

Part 2 Jon Stewart's reaction to CNBC's loud-mouthed stock analyst Jim Cramer

Part 3 Jon Stewart's reaction to Jim Cramer, just keeps getting better!

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Basic Cable Personality Clash Skirmish '09

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things w/ Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Jim Cramer

Bailout Mascot

2009-03-08T18:39:00.002-07:00

厕所幽默

2009-02-25T21:56:00.004-07:00

And that's when the fight started...... (funny!!)

2009-02-20T19:42:00.003-07:00

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....
_________________________________________________________

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
________________________________________ _________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
________________________________________________________

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Shit. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through
a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started......
_______________________________________________________

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
______________________________________________________
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her
husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started......
_________________________________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
________________________________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her
drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years
ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
______________________________________________________

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
______________________________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
_______________________________________________________

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...