The Billary Clinton Kitchen Tool Combo Set

---Just when you thought they were history .. . .

The Billary Clinton Kitchen Tool Combo Set

Bailout Mascot

SNL - Sarah Palin, John McCain & G. W. Bush

SNL 2008 VP Debate Sarah Palin and Joe Biden

Very funny!

George Bush's Resume

A Resume to Consider

This individual seeks an executive position. He will be available next January, and is willing to relocate.

GEORGE W. BUSH
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20520

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

Law Enforcement:

• I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.

Military:

• I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

College:

• I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.

Past Work Experience:

• I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.
• I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas, in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
• I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.
• With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:

• I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.
• I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
• I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.
• With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

• I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
• I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.
• I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.
• I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.
• I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
• I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
• I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market. In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month.
• I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
• I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.
• I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.
• My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron.
• My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.
• I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history. I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.
• I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.
• I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
• I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President in U.S. history.
• I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States government.
• I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.
• I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
• I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.
• I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
• I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).
• I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.
• I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
• I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
• I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.
• I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community.
• I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families in wartime.
• In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.
• I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.
• I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.
• I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

• All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
• All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
• All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

---

SNL Spoof of Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton!

Phone Call to Palin from McCain...

The phone call:

Hello, Sarah, how's it going up there?

Great, Sarah, Barack and I just spoke at Ground Zero. Tomorrow it's back on the campaign trail.

No, Sarah, he's not really evil, we just need to make him look like it.

Now, Sarah listen to me, we need some good photos when Track heads off to Iraq. Make sure there are tears in your eyes, and make sure the whole family is there. Yes, Levi , too and you make damm sure that Bristol and he hold hands and look like they mean it.

Another reform idea, Sarah? Let's hear it.

No, Sarah, I don't think we can sell Air Force 2 on ebay.

Negative to Air Force 1 too, Sarah.

No, Sarah, we can't sell them at all.

No, Sarah, we can't put you on Meet The Press, they will eat you alive and we can't have that happening.

I really don't care Sarah. I am telling everyone that you are prepared to be VP and that is good enough for the voters that we are trying to get to. Besides, Sarah, if we get elected and I die in office, then you are my last joke on the Republican Party.

Ok, Sarah, same to you, and make sure to get those pics.

No, Sarah, I don't think that I should be Levi's best man.

Ok, bye again, Sarah. My regards to Todd, Bristol, Levi, Piper, Willow, Trig, Track and anyone else up there with you.

End of call

Campaign Business - McCain & Palin

Late Night Commentary

"Palin and McCain are a good pair. She's pro-life and he's clinging to life." –Jay Leno

"She's not bad looking. She looks like one of those women in the Van Halen videos who takes off her glasses, shakes out her hair, and then all of a sudden, she's in high heels and a bikini. All of a sudden, I am FOR drilling in Alaska." --Jimmy Kimmel


"John McCain's VP pick is the governor of Alaska, a unknown hockey mom named Sarah Palin that no one ever heard of. The only other job she had in politics was the mayor of a small town known as Wasilla, Alaska, and now she has the opportunity to be on a ticket opposite of Barack Obama, the first black man she's ever seen." –Bill Maher

"She does know about international relations because she is right up there in Alaska, right next door to Russia." –FOX News Channel's Steve Doocy, gushing over Palin's qualifications, to which Jon Stewart quipped, "When you think about it, Alaska is also near the North Pole, so she must also be friends with Santa."


"Are you kidding me, the mayor of Wasilla, Alaska? Yeah, that's who you want in the White House during a time of crisis. When she got a phone call at 3 in the morning, it was because a moose had gotten in the garbage can." –Bill Maher


"I think this is pertinent because McCain has been running this campaign based on 'we're at war, it's a dangerous world out there. The democrats don't get that. I, John McCain, am the only one standing between the blood-thirsty Al Qaedas and you. But if I die, this stewardess can handle it.'" –Bill Maher


"Actually, it was kind of a smart choice. McCain went with a woman because he didn't want to have to be in a position to have to get CPR from Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno


Sarah Palin in Her Own Words

"As for that VP talk all the time, I'll tell you, I still can't answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?" --Sarah Palin, in an interview with CNBC's "Kudlow & Co."

"I've been so focused on state government, I haven't really focused much on the war in Iraq." --Palin

"It's great to see another part of the country." --Palin, campaigning in Pennsylvania

Mean spirited (but funny) Democratic stuff...

1) (On an infant's shirt): Already smarter than Bush.

2) 1/20/09: End of an Error

3) That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway

4) Let's Fix Democracy in THIS COUNTRY First

5) If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran

6) Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

7) You Can't Be Pro-War And Pro-Life At The Same Time

8) If You Can Read This, You're Not the President

9) Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant

10) Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?

11) George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

12) Impeachment: It's Not Just for Sex Anymore

14) America : One Nation, Under Surveillance

15) They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

16) Cheney/Satan '08

17) Jail to the Chief

18) No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade?

19) Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap

20) Bad president! No Banana.

21) We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language

22) We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

23) Is It Vietnam Yet?

24) Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either

25) Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?

26) The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

Official Announcement 美国政府表现

GWB Presidential Library

The George W Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages. The Library will include:

The Hurricane Katrina Room,which is still under construction.

The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.

The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.

The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.

The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.

The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.

The National Debt room which is huge and has no ceiling.

The 'Tax Cut' Room with entry only to the wealthy.

The 'Economy Room' which is in the toilet.

The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.

The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun gallery.

The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.

The Supremes Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.

The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.

The 'Decider Room' complete with dart board , magic 8-ball, Ouijaboard, dice, coins, and straws.

The museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate the President's accomplishments.

Admission: Republicans – free; Democrats -$1000 or 3 Euros