Looking for direction

I went to the office in Fuxingmen to submit my application for the government scholarship last Moday. Upon entering the office two different people told me they do not accept applications directly at that office. I must submit my application to the Chinese embassy in my home country. Even though their website does not mention this anywhere and states that applications must be submitted to their office in Fuxingmen by April 30th. Anyway, I was disappointed to say the least.

I have fired off some e-mails to embassies in the US about this, but as of today, Thursday, I have not heard anything back. Fortunately the scholarship office said they may make a exemption for me to submit it late, but it must be to overseas embassies nonetheless.

If I do not get this scholarship I must weigh my options and decide what to do. I am disappointed about the above scholarship hassles. But moreover, I feel so bad that I can not seem to put together a comprehensive plan or mission for my life and stick with it. Even if I got the scholarship, I have not completely resolved what the heck I am going to do with the rest of my life.

I wish so badly sometimes I had some direction, something I wanted to achieve with all my heart and go for it. Chinese was something like that. My feelings now have somewhat changed. Maybe because after a year of intensive study, I am reasonably satisfied with my current ability, I no longer have great incentive to continue to push and take more Chinese classes. I would rather just study Chinese on my own now.

I am a little upset still because I was so close to getting a degree in Chinese but could not complete the two classes I needed last summer, yet went ahead and graduated. I sent an e-mail to Arizona State University today and asked them what I would need to do go back to school to complete that degree in Chinese.

Now that that I look at my student loan totals, I ask myself what I got for the money. I have a degree in Japanese, and two classes short of another degree in Chinese. I did get a minor in Chinese nonetheless. I also got a Certificate in East Asian Studies and another in International Business.

It seems strange to me now that I have a degree in Japanese and little motivation to go back to Japan. When I went back to school in 2003 I thought I would get the degree in Japanese and maybe go back to work in Japan. I found I liked Chinese a lot and wanted to go there instead. Despite hearing from different sources how Japan is different now, better now than when I went before, that I could easily get a job now, etc etc. I just have no heart to go again.

Sometimes I think what I really could use now is a degree in Accounting, or an MBA, or CFA. Of course those would lead to high-paying, good quality jobs. But I have seen life in an office and discovered how stale it is. Did I mention I also dislike office politics.

Some of the people I admire are like my friend Lily who wants to become a nurse in the US and my friend Jason who is a teacher and musician. I admire my aunt Karen and April who are doing a wallpaper business using their art skills. I admire my uncle James who seems to be doing exciting things in the music industry. They all are doing something interesting and far from stale.

Now you may say, Mark, you are in China, it must be incredible, and you have so many skills and opportunities, etc, etc. So why am I not seeing it that way??? I need to do some soul searching, meditation, and career counseling… go back to the drawing board and figure out what I want to do. I do not want just another experience, I have plenty of that. I want something that is going to lead to results, lead to passion and joy, lead to a sense of accomplishment and success, lead to putting cash in my pockets, something for the long-term.

Then I say, look at where you are now, in China. Are you not getting all that right now. Except for the cash in my pockets, I would have to say yes. I am reasonably happy. Maybe I just need to make some minor adjustments. Obviously I have a lot of work to do to figure it all out.

My friend Jason put up a great list, his 10 Rules of Life. I found it to comprise much of what I believe and have learned from experience myself but have never put in words.